Devils in pairs!

I am a wife and this is my paranormal story ,
There is an extra-terrestrial object found on the floor of my home floor in all its glory.
Yesterday it was black, today it was red and months ago different shades of blue ,
It may look dull and lame to an untrained set of eyes but a wife knows, Oh yes I knew.

I removed them from couch, I removed them from the floor ,
I removed them from the window pane , I removed them from near the door .
I removed them all until there were none left on the floor
And then i picked many until there were no more.

Whenever the experts were showed the documented proof
They shrugged it away and said they were just a pair of socks.
I have often seen them my husband in possession of them or was it all a spoof
They were either in his feet or all over the house, Oh Bollocks!

I asked him rather nicely once then, I screamed at him for million and one time how
Either they stay on the floor everywhere , or I shall leave you now.
Oh my dear husband may never hurt me so brutal
I am sure all his pairs of socks were possessed by some evil.

Marriage : Land between Zombie Apocalypse and Ecstasy!

"In case of fire, Use stairs for exit " , said the sign on the escalator of my building..

Little did I know the sign was preparing me all my life for my own Wedding.
One circle, Second circle and then some more rolled..

Keep it Coming, Keep it coming! Highly voluptuous Pandit Ji called .*

If by Honeymoon phase we mean something anatomically similar to zombie apocalypse ..

If being in a honeymoon phase feels like a drunk bird crashing on the window pane of truck.

If Honeymoon phase is a hilarious turn of events turning your fairy tale into a lunar eclipse ..

I can relate if the first word in morning you say is something similar to buck.

If everything he says makes as much sense as Donald Trump ..

If everything she expects seems like a one-legged blind-folded lemon race to Mount Everest summit.

If every day seems as much as like a stinky dump ..

You have nowhere to run, you are in the land of marital bliss dammit!

If the frown on her forehead is as frequent as Mr. Modi's international trips ..
If the irritation in his voice is as evident as Shakira's h*ps.
Alas! A rational discussion is one thing she does not do..
P.S. , there is no discussion anyways he would do.

Every marriage has a moment of realization i.e., the romance and passion have left the building as did Elvis.
A happy marriage though sees the loyalty, trust and stability seated smug besides the fireplace.**
An ecstasy in a marriage is when its two inmates realize the other one is a perfect soul devoid of any flaws
When the mortals shout out loud on social media how the marriage and millionth selfie both are void of any thorns and thaws.

Ola fellas! marriage is indeed a fairytale but not the ones we grew up on..
It is not a scripted journey with irrational gender categorized heroism with some annoying peppy song.
A fairytale we grew up on involved a rescuing and resurrecting of a soul,  and a happy ever after with the guarantee of no disgrace  ..
But back in the world of logic and rationality, a happy marriage starts with two people capable enough to save themselves in solace.

Despite all the smog of despair that comes when one becomes husband and wife..
Inspite of all pseudo-feminism and male chauvinism that keeps plaguing your life.
There is an undeniable beauty of the vows that one person commits to the other and the self..
It is breathtaking how in front of the magnificence of a union, relevance of "I" is just a trotting elf.

Marriage never is an abyss of hopelessness that seems like a sad opera that would go on perpetually
A happy marriage is also never meant to deliver an ecstatic high that takes you to a world with no Mondays or Broccoli.
Marriage is an ultimate example to metamorphosis, it is a mountain trail full of atrocities and fantasy
Marriage is just another Land somewhere between Zombie apocalypse and Ecstasy.

* Husband is referred to as he and wife is referred to as She here because I wrote this poem from my own point of view, that of a straight sexuality. She and She , He and he is equally amazing from my perspective.

** (Yes this happy married couple seems settled in a mansion in U.K.)

सूप सलाद एंड चमत्कारी पपीता !

' मुबारक हो शादी की डेट फिक्स हो गयी ' कहकर पंडित जी ने लड्डू दबाया !
पिंकी का मन मुस्काया पर कुछ सोचकर उसका चेहरा मुरझाया,
माना उसका  दूल्हा हैं हीरा और ससुराल वाले  क्या कमाल ,
पर अपने टम्मी के एक दशमलव दो तीन  किलो का एक्स्ट्रा फैट को देखकर उसका जी हुआ बेहाल!!

भागी वो अपने  कमरे में सिर झुकाकर  पीताजी ने सोचा मेरी पिन्की शरमा  गयी  ,
अम्मा बाबा को कहाँ खबर थी उनकी लाडो पगला गयी !
कमरे का कपाट  किया बंद और निकाला एक अपने से भी भारी ग्रंथ ,
ढूँढा उसमे से  दो महिने के बालक का डाइट चार्ट और खुद से प्रतिज्ञा ली " आई विल बी कटरीना विदन अ मंथ " !!

अम्मा ने लाड में बनाये आलू के परांठे अगली सुबह , मक्खन निकाला ताज़ा ताज़ा ,
सोचा सारी ममता दिखा दू  कुछ ही दिन बाकी हैं बजने में इसका बैंड शेहनाई और बाज़ा !
ज्यो  पिंकी खाने की मेज पर बैठी उसकी नज़र परांठे पे तैरते मक्खन पर पढ़ी ,
त्यों उसके दिल की धड़कन , माथे की त्योरियां और आँखों में आंसुओं की की फुहार झड़ी !!

उस सुबह के हादसे का दो दिन बाद तलक पिंकी ने मातम मनाया , ना ही कोई अन्न चबाया ना किसी को अपना मुह दिखाया ,
जब्रन मार पीट और दो दर्जन कसमें बेचने के बाद कही जाकर करमजली ने ग्रीन टी  के तीन गिलास और पपीते का एक टुकड़ा खाया !
अम्मा ने समझाया दुल्हन हड्डी का ढांचा नहीं पर मन्न से खुश हो तब नज़रो को भाती हैं,
पिंकी ने अम्मा को टफ लुक दी, 1950 का करार किया और बोला तुम पुराने ज़माने की हो तुम्हे 21vi सदी  की समझ नहीं आती हैं !!

पिंकी ने बचे हुए दिनों के लिए बनाया एक मिलिट्री वारफेयर schedule और किया फेसबुक पे प्रचार  ,
"Dear facebook friends  सेव द डेट जब मैं करुँगी अपने राजकुमार से ब्याह " , मन्न  में सोचा  दूल्हे से ज़्यादा सब्यसाची के चनिया चोली का हैं  मुझे इंतेज़ार  !
पिंकी ने हवा पानी सलाद और ग्रीन टी को अपना  धरम बनाया और पपीते वाले भैया को अपना रिश्तेदार  ,
खुद से कहा चैन से बैठ जाउंगी जिस दिन abs कटरीना जैसे हो  जाएंगे और वापस लौट जाउंगी अपने परिवार !!

भूखा मरने के पागलपन में  जैसे जैसे दिन बीते पिंकी का चेहरा मुरझाया और मूड की अम्मा दीदी  हुई एक दो और चार ,
बाबा की लाख कोशिश और उनके लाड को किआ नज़र अंदाज , अम्मा के राजमा चावल और दीदी की मैग्गी से किया दर किनार !
पिंकी की अंतरात्मा ने अपने दिल का हाल सुनाया  " वापिस इंसानो की दुनिया में लौट जाउंगी  और अम्मा को गले लगा के मायके में खुशियां लौट आएंगी  " ,
पिंकी का मन ललचाया पर पेट की बाहर झांकती हुई  हड्डियां को देखकर बोली abs  तो कटरीना जैसा हो गयी  , बस अब चैन से बैठूंगी जिस दिन टांगो की काफ मसल दीपिका जैसी  हो जाएंगी!!

XY Chromosome and Bridal Shoping

O you sweet little man! you are not alone
I see you regretting acquaintance with the bride in you head ,
I see you fiddling in your phone
I also see your face turning yellow then pale blue and then finally simmering red.

O you clueless little man! your curses are not unheard of the moment in which mighty first car was invented
You were forced to drive the car for the bride shopping and now you are being driven up the wall crazy,
You may feel dehydrated, you may feel like a piece of furniture in whole crowd,  you may feel demented
You may seek a professional help but the memories of Chandni Chowk in your mind will never be hazy.

O you poor little man! you are not invisible in the crowd of crazy brides high on hormones and/or pheromones
One can easily spot the choked up sobs in your throat and dried up tears in your right eye ,
The uneasiness is evident when you are shown pink and pink but told they are entirely different tones
You may conclude that the majestic dress tried on/asked about/bargained infinite times is the one, But oh you poor man you dream too high!

O you frustrated little man!  your attempts to suicide in that immovable crowd of people are little lame
I forward my sympathies to you for thinking the shopping will involve rational and sensible decisions,
I can offer my shoulder for all the time you and shopkeeper exchanged the glances of him cursing at your woman and you apologizing on behalf of same
By now in your heart the drill must have been etched of entering a shop, inspecting every cloth in the shop and abandoning the shop and an exhausted shopkeeper with great precisions.

O you Delirious little man! if you think that your women will exhert and exhaust then stop at once b'cz the bride and her team may have 99 problems but stamina ain't one
The bling of gold or shine of swarovski may blind you for a while but be prepared for the miles you gotta walk before you can go home and tend to the blood in your shoes,
The jewelry, the choodha, the Anarkali suit , the 100th saree , the matching clutch ,the contrast Dupatta and that Manish Malhotra Lehenga son
So my withered little man till the bride does not cry her way into vidaai, you embrace the miseries of being a colour/fabric/style blind XY Chromosome and call it truce!

Why ?

Lets start with Why one another notification of a louuuve story on internet and why I thought I needed to oblige the world with another 100 millionth inter culture and inter state marriage in the world.
Lets just say I am still making my way through endless shopping and crazy plannings to the Big day and decided to Blog the hell off this crazy journey.

Disclaimer - All the opinions and crass humor is a product of just one mind hence holds no credibility ; thus, offence should not be taken. Also, my parents, my fiance and my in-laws are lovely people , otherwise starting a sarcastic blog about inter-caste / inter - state marriage can be very harmful to the health so please do not repeat these stunts at your home (or do ;) )